Monday, 28 July 2008

Spirit intervenes

It seems they want me to STOP !!!

Sometimes you just have to stop as you have no choice; Stop the dialogue, stop the brain activity, stop talking, stop writing, stop running around and just BE. It’s not been easy and in some cases we just had to - well sort of, having been to 5 different social events including 2 parties in 5 days!!- hence the reason for so little posting - I apologise for anyone who actually reads this stuff and enjoys the lid being removed from my head every now and again, for having nothing fresh to write about for nearly a week except my nostalgic and sentimental video- more about the reasons for that soon!

Over the weekend and in less than 48hrs all our lights blew and the house was in total darkness, the front door bust and it could not be locked or unlocked, and we had to stay at home all day Saturday for the locksmith and electrician to rescue us! Then over the last few days my laptop keeps freezing and yesterday I found that the pads of my toes and just below are all swollen and sore, except I don’t recall having any accident or hurting myself, strange huh? It’s not the first time this sort of thing has happened either.

I realise I don't sit down and I'm not in my house for most of the day. When home I'm running up and down the garden rescuing little pickles and cupcakes, washing up, cooking, bathing kids and getting us all ready to go out. When out I’m, shopping, collecting or dropping off cupcake , involved in training classes for Reiki and mediumship on Sundays every few weeks, rushing to get to circle in the evening middle of the week or some other evening school social event or just standing here at the laptop writing for my 2 blogs.

All of it involves activity (non stop), whether it be of the mind and body or with the expressive spaces I need to have; constant writing daily. I’ve mentioned before being grammatically challenged and when life gets hectic it’s sometimes even more of a push.

He the mans despairs of me in the evenings, as I can’t stop and just sit with him. I'm constantly in a state of flux, forever needing mental stimulation or distraction, thinking up new subjects to discuss or food ideas to make for Nosh of Love , (well for he the mans to make!). The result of which, I don't get to sleep till near 1am and average 6hrs a night of sleep. This I’ve found is really not enough for me. The end result lately is a lovely mix of, as you can see from my last post: irritability, tearfulness and behaviour no better than a 5 yr old and a feeling that I can’t do it all for everyone, oh and a messy house!!!!

I'm not aiming for sympathy here , a lot is my own doing , as I know I stretch myself in too many different directions and am now endeavouring to put myself through a course of CBT to top it all off , but I wonder : How many of us are like this and use it to avoid sitting alone with our thoughts? Also, how do we fit it all in with children and get to bed early? (Yes I know the main answer is you don’t!!).

So I sense that many would say, cut some of it out. This may mean less blogging or just less social events for my girls and me on my own time in the evenings or weekends. The deeper issue being: why am I avoiding the alone time, what is it I need to get hold of in me and cut out? My main dichotomy is I like to be alone, quiet, free spirited and not tied to anyone or anything, but also on the flip side, I’m keen on moving my life in a new direction and I love being with others and going out!!

I'm aware that I need to meditate more, as this is key to making lots of areas flow better in life, but this constant adrenalin kick means I find it hard to switch off and flick to down time.

My main thought is to just turn the laptop off, (or not even turn it on, GASPPPPP) , not allow the TV to go on at all and just go straight up to my room , (the most peaceful space in this house) , after my girls bed time and just sit with my iPod and here’s a little tip for those who find it hard to go alone on this and need some help , listen to the collection of guided meditations I’ve downloaded through iTunes from PodcastAlley.

I then also factor in not being with he the mans till late and then I'm back to my dilemma of how to make time for meditation and everything else I seem to need to do.

See it just goes to show, one can’t always practise what they preach, (or in my case and here’s my reverse self righteousness), use the tools I know very well how to use!

Sometimes you just can’t do it all and sometimes spirits do things so you can’t do it all, whilst writing this my server decided to slow down to a snails pace and then came to a complete STOP. I had to quickly save this to word to continue it and prevent its loss.

It seemed they didn’t want me on the laptop last night either to finish this post, as my browser then wouldn’t even load. I think the message finally got through ; I need to relax more and find a more balanced approach!!!!

So yes spirit, my laptop went off for the rest of the evening and as you know I sat in the garden for dinner!!

I am now trying to get this is out in the blogger world this morning.

Namaste all



Monique said...

Ok, you got me crying. =) Which isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes it's the release I need to be able to focus on whatever is at hand.

What got me was you saying you run around and stretch yourself in many directions. That is where my life is headed right now and I'm terrified of it. ((working after 10 years at home, juggling 2 kids' activities, work, home life, work and trying to find myself again))

I'm afraid to be alone w/ my thoughts because my future frightens me. But surprisingly, as fearful as I may be of what comes next, I think I'll be shocked how relieved I am once it's done.

The last 10 years have been the most wonderful and amazing as a SAHM but the most emotionally taxing and stressful (failing marriage) of my life.

I'm going to look for those guided meditations you mentioned finding on ITunes, it would probably do wonders in helping me stop to breathe and think.

As you can see I have a very deep, serious side, which is why my blog, Escape Hatch, is truly just that. It is my place to be frivolous, goofy and my thoughts can be meaningless if that's what I need to be at that moment.

Well, I just got mighty chatty didn't I? L

Hana Mi said...

Here's a hand to hold across the large pond , when the tears come ---------. Tears are good sometimes hey , lets it all out as you said.

When I wrote a lot of these posts , I too felt quite emotional and introspective. We all seem to fear the tears and the intensity, but sitting with it for little while and learning were its from is healthy. Knowing that even if it comes , you can work through it and move away from it is a good technique to have.

I sense you will find the strength to move your life were you want it to be. Takes courage to move away from those who aren't healthy for us. Listen to your centre, those meditations are really helpful for that. I like the voice on Wynyfryds one.

Being alone , I ponder this a lot , its good I find to express to those who care for you , what it is that irks one!! Sharing the pain is as good as halving it hey, so chatty is good!!!! I feel honoured that you are able to be open with me about these things. I love a facet too!

Escape Hatch is a great space , sooo important to laugh and joke. I certainly need to go to those sort of spaces, (more often than not hey , being a naval gazer!!!!).

Monique said...

Thanks for the hand, I'll take it =)

And Thanks for your sweet words. It does take courage, I'm a courageous girl, but it's hardest to take those first steps back. My oh my is it ever.