Sunday, 28 September 2008

Guided by spirit?

I really feel sometimes I have to get my life on track and give it direction and purpose. That's on some days , on others I like it just flowing were it needs to go and roll the waves. Not having to be anywhere except school and nursery runs and just being mum sometimes suits my stress level limits and yes I also get enjoyment just from that, just being mum ! I say just being mum , thats a whole layered life that not all people think happen, a great book I found that validated my very little life was this : What mothers do , Especially When It Looks Like Nothing!

Every now again significant markers show up on my path and say to me , hang on, there's something you need to do, something inside that's moving me somewhere else.

A few months back I contacted a Hospice local to school. Id been in touch with the manager several times about being a Reiki Volunteer and she seemed very keen , saying that they didnt have someone currently and that not many people come forward. She made me aware that she was leaving and new person was to take over. My details were to be passed on. Weeks passed and I contacted them again. This time new manager answered , he know nothing of me , not a good sign. Suddenly he has a therapy room manager and no room for anyone else to do Reiki. I don't know if this is ego (mine and hers) or just a feeling or a signal that this wasn't the right direction , but the therapy manager irked me somewhat. Her main state of play was that SHE did the reiki and didn't need anyone else, but I could just come in and help out with various other activities . This , as altruistic as it may be , just didn't connect, Ive trained for Reiki , I want to give Reiki , I have a route to pass on healing, I just have to do it. I felt a huge block and a feeling of discomfort around my interaction with this person. An application came in from her in my inbox, I started to fill it out and then just had to stop. I couldn't do it. So it was shelved so to speak.

Were was I to go, my time is limited , I have only mornings to do anything and cant go to far from nursery , otherwise I eat into my useful time travelling. Everything went on pause.

I continued to go to circle and do my development.

I was aware of a hospice down the road from my house , but for some reason I had vaguely dismissed it, (10 minutes drive back from nursery) but it was always in the back of my mind.

Suddenly a new person turned up at circle and lo and behold she works as a volunteer at the very Hospice down the road from me and also they had just lost a volunteer therapist.

See Im new on this path of inner belief , so its taken me some weeks to gather myself up into a more confident ball and throw it at the newness of this all. I took myself down there a couple of weeks back and introduced myself after this lovely new person at circle had put a word in for me.

My ideal was to do this work on Monday as a good start to the week, and also I could only work up till 11:30. So what sessions did they have available for patients? Yes , the very day and time I had been thinking was ideal! There and then she handed me the paperwork and hoped to see me again.

Im still in the space of : can I do this and will I be able to make a difference???? Its a whole new world for me. I will be dealing with patients who are terminal , my intensely emotional self , doesn't yet know how this will feel. Or what will be brought up. Its quite a big turn for me , having been treated for serious Post traumatic stress disorder related to medical experiences only 2-3 years ago. Why in my life do I always turn to look at the face of my demons? My original career went against the shy quiet type I may have been labelled as, and this , wellllll who would have known that the once me that would have a panic attack sitting in a hospital is now planning to sit at the head of a patient and look after them?

So Im now up to the stage of getting this horse out of the stable and giving something of myself back to others. I have yet to fill in forms , (thats a whole other new challenge, merging the old business me and the new me in an up to date CV) and get all sorts of insurance and police checks , but I hope by the end of the year things will have moved forward somewhat. I have yet to find my old CV on some external hardrive, its very London office (or Recruitmet agency)styleeee and not been updated for some time. I have to get this all done tout suite and feel Im harnessing the opportunity as soon as I can. Its a must, but my old ego head is slowing it down.

Is it a plan or an intention and if I dont seize it now, what will I miss? Will an intention work better than a goal or a dream. I hope so, it feels as if its all waiting for me , these things happening , as if jigswa peices have been slotted in , are not just happen chance. Will I be given a hand to organise it all and make it fit into place all the more easily, are they listening up there?!!!!!!

Think I have to get my cosmic order book out again ?!

Image care of Nicholas Arwin of Enhanced perceptions, amazing "visonary Art" site.

Friday, 12 September 2008

Its been a while

I just wanted to post a little something to say I'm still breathing , still healing and still here, just!!!! I don't know were the time goes, I didn't realise I hadn't posted for 2 weeks. Before I knew it another week had flown by and then another one.

The end of August was marked by an early celebration of our wedding anniversary,(read all about it on Nosh of Love when my post is done). Wow 9 years has also flown by! Every weekend has been busy so far non stop and every day is filled to the brim with activities with my girls, mainly cupcakes friends. By the evening I'm goggle eyed and ready for - not much!

Us 3 girls are all ready in this house as of this coming Monday, for life to change yet again into a new routine ,bring it on! Little cupcake starts reception and pickle will have her 1st full week of nursery down the road. I will have a child free two and a half hours a morning, 3 days a week to heal the world, (well my local area world that is) !!!!!!
I'm thinking I'm kidding myself that I wont be choked up next week at sitting in my house- alone -suddenly realising my little babies are no longer babies! Ive felt a little rising here and there and I push it away!
The culmination of all that pushing away emotions and staying busy brought on a migraine attack of revolting proportions, the likes I haven't had for many many years. It stopped me in my tracks early this week and put a stop to any TV, PC or mobile phone viewing of any kind. I think my body was trying to tell me AGAIN that I just have to stop and slow it down sometimes and shut the world out a lot more than I do. After several hours of sickness my body just shut down on me I had no choice but to go to bed at 7pm and apart from my normal, I-want-my-dummy 2am call, awoke Wednesday 7am , a 1st in YEARS.

Today marks the last day of the summer holidays, tis been a long one,( for some reason I don't count the weekend!). Labels have to be collected to be ironed on around 30 garments and items and a psyching up for the next school stage to be done, both me and cupcake!

Ive had to bring out my Reiki hands on several occasions recently for our little cupcake. She seems to be going through a stage of nightmares and night terrors. Some of the visions shes been having are a bit unusual for a nearly 5yr old I have to say ; WARNING MINOR GRIM VISIONS FOLLOWING : blood soaked faces ,baby's being taken from cut stomachs and people being sucked by tubes (the tornado repeat performance from last week) . In some spiritual circles these may be explained as a sign of past life occurrences. I'm trying to work out whether shes seen this imagery on TV , although I don't give her access to news , medical documentaries, horror films or drama programmes.

The thing is you never know what they see in the millions of things that pass our eyes every day. I'm really not sure at all whats going on, for me , its possibly just an overwhelmed creative and sensitive imagination like her mums (she so needs some school to channel this)!!

I'm very careful to not implant any further ideas or deep explanations for her at this young age , especially nothing esoteric or deeply spiritual . I just always try and show her ways to use mind over matter with visualisations and positive imagery. So out come our "flava fairies" , who sit with her at a magical table and create ice cream for her in any flavour , or her imaginary friend "Isis" , who is her magical strong purple & green monster, who protects her and guards her.

Its taken all week of doing this for her to settle more calmly this evening. Well in relative terms that is, as I still had to go in 3 times to kiss a sore finger , find her water or do 5 minutes Reiki! Instead of an hour later of things, we had a mere half an hour!

Such is a mothers life!