Enough about me for now (well at least this post!!)

Pontoon Bridge image almost as seen in attunment

Etchu Province, Toyama, Pontoon

Care of Castle fine arts

I need to hear from you , my readers out there. Ive noticed that many readers come here after google searching for Reiki cleansing. So Id like to hear how your cleansing experiences have gone; are you finding even way past the 21 days , months even , that you are becoming more self aware? That every living experience is noticed much more in fine detail? Is your life lighter or has it made you feel you've sunk a bit into sludge, created by years of burying pain? Are you questioning your way of life more ? Do relationships suddenly seem more in the spotlight? Are you self healing every day? Do you do every hand position or just one on the centre of the body? Or even has it had no effects at ll? Id really like to know.

Also did you write a cleansing diary and if so have you looked back at it , whats changed, if anything? Has your life since Reiki taken you down a new path? See now Im thinking ahhhhhhh , I must go and look at mine.

Ive been talking a lot about myself , my self development and the things I do to pull myself from darky avenue. What I want to know is how others keep themselves balanced and light. The Reiki way of life can completely change your aspect on things , so kind of like best practise at work , whats been working for you?

Oh and even if you haven't done Reiki , but some other life development work, and some of the questions above relate , then Id like to hear about that too.

Its always good to share others experiences , and the things that you benefit from. I'm sure we can all learn something new from others and a different approach is always great even if its something simple. I remember talking with circle friends about self healing, sometimes at bed time , I'm really not in the mood for doing every hand movement and this meant that I actually didn't do it on several nights. One of the others girls suggested just working on the solar plexus chakra, so now, (when I remember), I just lay my hand there, do what I need (being the sacred symbols that I try not to disclose if I can help it) and let it do its thing.

Namaste x

Precipice

I think when I 1st set this blog out, I was full of summer sun hope. Now the days are dark and short , I seem to be wallowing in a pity party or just possibly have the condition SAD going on?What comes with this pity party is a feeling that somehow I'm a fake - How can I be spiritual and talk of inner peace and calm and yet inside I'm feeling inner turmoil? How can I look after others and care for them if I don't get my own house in order? The thing Is I do want to get it in order ,dig up the foundations and re do them, but I cant see who too turn too to help me with it.

The other thought is ,how much do I disclose here before this space goes from "being in the light" to gradually standing in the dark looking into a big black gaping hole? It then self perpetuates , what you focus on is what grows doesn't it?

So how to share the whats going down here, but not the how I got here?

Whats going down? That's been a question of mine for many years , its the reason I took the road less travelled, finding a way to ride the storms I find with emotions and mind tricks. The problem is I'm having guilt in being human and not always feeling so spiritual. Guilt associated with having feelings that are less than peaceful and doing things that are basically not good for my soul, mind or my body.

I wrote the above about 7 days ago and its been a very strange time of roller coaster feelings and behaviour some days I'm surrounded by others but feel I'm in some glass box , were no one can see me or they do, but cant penetrate the surface to me inside.

In that time I have sought some help and hopefully will find some relief in that, although it may take some weeks to come about. I finally owned up to the things Ive been doing to sabotage myself to my parents and they have been checking on me every day since, I cant say more than that right now and I know I'm talking in code and being vague , but I'm holding several of my cards to chest here until I see fit to disclose more when I'm in a place to .

Ive been more open with some of the people around me, well within boundaries that is . Ive learnt some hard lessons the last few weeks ; firstly I'm learning for once In my life I don't have to tell all and sundry what I'm about and why, although unfortunately it can just come off as a vibe and secondly be careful who you share with for not everyone has the capacity for more than a surface kind of interaction and not everyone will safeguard your heart and being , not everyone wants to , and why should they.

May be this is a lesson in self forgiving , in being able to have low ebbs and know I'm still a great human being , still have something to give and still caring about others. I know some in this world will see me as flaky or a bit subdued right now, (I tell you the playground school run is trench warfare), but I know I will come through this again as I have done in the past, Ive been down further than this and come back again. I know what I'm about and if others don't see my heart and soul for what it is , then I cant do anything about that.

Despite this , some people around me have stepped up and stepped closer (whilst many have stepped away) and may be they are the main ones to concentrate on for now ,for aqquantances are fun , but when the chips are down ...................................yada yada. My work at my now closed development circle goes from strength to strength , although the good work I do , I feel, is more to do with the universal presence's/beings/spirits that help me rather than my doing.

Could all of this be a part of my re boot !??

I just want to say a thank you to the universal sources that are still with me and continue to want to work with me. I'm privileged to be able to do this work. Its what holds me in so many ways, it is as the cliche says , a lightness in the the dark . (I feel I'm making an acceptance speech, shine those oscars, theres one with my name on it!!).

Isnt it amazing how cathartic writing is.

Namaste

x

Guided by spirit?

I really feel sometimes I have to get my life on track and give it direction and purpose. That's on some days , on others I like it just flowing were it needs to go and roll the waves. Not having to be anywhere except school and nursery runs and just being mum sometimes suits my stress level limits and yes I also get enjoyment just from that, just being mum ! I say just being mum , thats a whole layered life that not all people think happen, a great book I found that validated my very little life was this : What mothers do , Especially When It Looks Like Nothing!

Every now again significant markers show up on my path and say to me , hang on, there's something you need to do, something inside that's moving me somewhere else.

A few months back I contacted a Hospice local to school. Id been in touch with the manager several times about being a Reiki Volunteer and she seemed very keen , saying that they didnt have someone currently and that not many people come forward. She made me aware that she was leaving and new person was to take over. My details were to be passed on. Weeks passed and I contacted them again. This time new manager answered , he know nothing of me , not a good sign. Suddenly he has a therapy room manager and no room for anyone else to do Reiki. I don't know if this is ego (mine and hers) or just a feeling or a signal that this wasn't the right direction , but the therapy manager irked me somewhat. Her main state of play was that SHE did the reiki and didn't need anyone else, but I could just come in and help out with various other activities . This , as altruistic as it may be , just didn't connect, Ive trained for Reiki , I want to give Reiki , I have a route to pass on healing, I just have to do it. I felt a huge block and a feeling of discomfort around my interaction with this person. An application came in from her in my inbox, I started to fill it out and then just had to stop. I couldn't do it. So it was shelved so to speak.

Were was I to go, my time is limited , I have only mornings to do anything and cant go to far from nursery , otherwise I eat into my useful time travelling. Everything went on pause.

I continued to go to circle and do my development.

I was aware of a hospice down the road from my house , but for some reason I had vaguely dismissed it, (10 minutes drive back from nursery) but it was always in the back of my mind.

Suddenly a new person turned up at circle and lo and behold she works as a volunteer at the very Hospice down the road from me and also they had just lost a volunteer therapist.

See Im new on this path of inner belief , so its taken me some weeks to gather myself up into a more confident ball and throw it at the newness of this all. I took myself down there a couple of weeks back and introduced myself after this lovely new person at circle had put a word in for me.

My ideal was to do this work on Monday as a good start to the week, and also I could only work up till 11:30. So what sessions did they have available for patients? Yes , the very day and time I had been thinking was ideal! There and then she handed me the paperwork and hoped to see me again.

Im still in the space of : can I do this and will I be able to make a difference???? Its a whole new world for me. I will be dealing with patients who are terminal , my intensely emotional self , doesn't yet know how this will feel. Or what will be brought up. Its quite a big turn for me , having been treated for serious Post traumatic stress disorder related to medical experiences only 2-3 years ago. Why in my life do I always turn to look at the face of my demons? My original career went against the shy quiet type I may have been labelled as, and this , wellllll who would have known that the once me that would have a panic attack sitting in a hospital is now planning to sit at the head of a patient and look after them?

So Im now up to the stage of getting this horse out of the stable and giving something of myself back to others. I have yet to fill in forms , (thats a whole other new challenge, merging the old business me and the new me in an up to date CV) and get all sorts of insurance and police checks , but I hope by the end of the year things will have moved forward somewhat. I have yet to find my old CV on some external hardrive, its very London office (or Recruitmet agency)styleeee and not been updated for some time. I have to get this all done tout suite and feel Im harnessing the opportunity as soon as I can. Its a must, but my old ego head is slowing it down.

Is it a plan or an intention and if I dont seize it now, what will I miss? Will an intention work better than a goal or a dream. I hope so, it feels as if its all waiting for me , these things happening , as if jigswa peices have been slotted in , are not just happen chance. Will I be given a hand to organise it all and make it fit into place all the more easily, are they listening up there?!!!!!!

Think I have to get my cosmic order book out again ?!

Image care of Nicholas Arwin of Enhanced perceptions, amazing "visonary Art" site.