The hands have it

For some reading the following , this may seem extremely left field and almost incomprehensible, for others you may be able to identify with the experience, nevertheless , my words are true & my description is as close to what happened as possible

On the Monday of June 2nd 09, I had my 1st real trance experience at circle, one that I did not expect as we sat down in our pairs (chosen via raffle tickets)! I thought I was just going to have my usual Monday experience ; fairly intense but nothing out of the ordinary. Yet 20 minutes into my turn to trance heal and I felt the most unbelievable and strangely connected syncing with the person I was healing I had ever felt,I don't think I will ever forget the experience. I still cant quite believe it and I keep on going over the experience in my mind reliving it, as it was so powerful . It wasn't unpleasant , but it wasn't pleasant either ; my whole body felt as if it was being held in this strange , well the only word I can find is - Trance!!

The only clue in hindsight that things would be different was that at the hospice that morning when treating patients was that my whole body shook and my hands vibrated so much , I had to concentrate on not making it a discomforting experience for them. But both of them came round in a stooper as if they had been in an intense dream sleep. I hadnt yet experienced this whilst healing.

Im found 10 days later at my following Monday circle I could, (well for now, as you never know when your abilities will ebb and flow), go into trance or meditation at the drop of a hat.

All I keep seeing is how my hands on that Monday were stuck to my recipients back as if glued on or magnetised to them, almost as if they were sinking in to that person. I know when spirit are near as I normally feel my body leaning to the side or as if Im in a force field I cant move from, but this time my whole body was moved and slumped forward and it was damn hard to control. I totally took on the shape and form of the grandmother of the recipient and started to feel an intense amount of emotion for them both. The feeling of compassion was so strong it took over my whole body , like nothing I have ever experienced. As my circle leaders voice came into frequency and I heard his words "please step back from the medium" , I came whooshing out with such force that it brought on hyperventilation and a rush of emotion that left me sobbing. It was an extreme shock to my system , as I was being pulled from one level of consciousness to another. Hyperventilation is something Ive had to deal with in the recent past so thankfully , due to my, (lets call it training in how to deal with acute panic attacks), I think I was just about able to stave it off. Our teacher has discussed on several occasions that coming out too quickly can cause this effect , but until your actually in that deep , you don't quite realise how hard it is too harness the information you've been told to prevent it. I know for sure I will know for next time!

I am surprised Im able to write about it , as I feel part of my consciousness was almost of another plane for that half hour of my life, but Ive been teaching myself how to recall dreams, as it was something very much recommended for my work. I' have been wondering if this is why I was told to do so, so that I can easily connect with what I see and feel when on another level.

During the experience I felt many things ; Spirit had stepped in to my aura so closely that I felt my whole body being hugged and held , my head kept on being pulled back and my body was moved side to to side. It was hard to keep still. I still cant quite believe what I felt , as in all honesty , even at my circle watching others do this , Ive thought that may be Im being hoaxed , but yet I know that what Im writing is true. It felt extremely real and in no way forced, it was in fact a very special experience. One I don't think I will forget.

I hope to be able to connect in this way again, as it greatly benefits my work and my connection with the spirit who is trying to convey its message to me for my sitters. Just next time I must remember to ground a bit more on the exit!!

Mandala healing

Dark mustard represents an over active core chakra or blockage.

Last year I was asked to take the circle class and as I had just found out about Mandala's from here and had mentioned earlier one circle evening, it was a case of be careful what you wish for (being the Leo that I am and liking being the teacher and not the student), as there and then I was asked to do a mini workshop on the very subject the week after!!!!

At first the old tapes me started to panic at the prospect of creating a workshop in 7days and then the new me said no problem ,let the universal energy flow and it will too. In 2 days I had compiled a 10 page presentation! See I knew being a buyer would come in handy later in in my real incarnation!!!

Today as I was completing my post about wanting to hear from readers on Reiki cleansing and life development, I mentioned the Solar plexus. So inspired I decided to do a quick PowerPoint mandala - as seen above . Its quite easy just to play around with the computer shapes & lines , changing shades and making them transparent to add visible layers. Once done,drag your cursor over the whole thing , click to copy, paste into Paint and save as , et voila , your very own image of your Mandala as a whole.

Apart from creating the mandala this afternoon, I realised during the process, that it seems , from the very dark mustard yellow and the almost intense jagged layers , that I have a bit of a clogged up solar plexus centre from far to much input! I think some Reiki healing is in order!

If you would like to know more about Mandalas I will be posting sections of the workshop here I designed, including my first experiments with laptop mandalas, as much as I love paint on paper , sometimes I just want to get the ideas and impressions out really quickly , but yet very geometrically :

This is taken from the 1st 2 sections:

This evening you will learn a very special and different way to access your inner soul through art.
You will learn about Mandalas and a little of their history
You will also learn about how they look and how different they can be and how many forms they can take
This evening you will experience creating your 1st one (of several, they are addictive !!) and see were it takes you and how it makes you feel
There are no hard rules , just get some paper , colours, rulers, compass, you & some universal flow !!!

Experience , enjoy and share

Namaste

Mandalas is Sanskrit for circle or completion, or “concentric energy circle” , these images were created inside a box or circle , both or any given shape that the creator wishes to use. Hindu in origin , but used in many Dharmic religions.
Many show shapes and forms that repeat all the way round , flowing into a focal point Known as a Bindu. This is used to help the trance , meditative state .
Often used as a form of communication through oneself to others. Mayans used the sacred geometry of Mandalas for temples and on their calendars or sacred rounds (also known as as a Tzolkin see image below)

Mandalas to me are a visual meditative tool to get into the soul or essence of ones self. Combining meditation , divination and revelation.

Look out for the next section , coming soon.

In the meantime let me know if you've had a play with Mandalas yourself. Feel free to share them here.

Namaste

Life changing spiritual books, have you read one lately?

Image from Gurusoftware

See Ive always been one to go searching and searching for books, books and more books. When I'm in a groove , ill suck them up like a hoover on coke! But I have one proviso now when book hunting ; that they leap out at me and say , "you must must read me" , otherwise I just feel its not meant for me (that leap out looks very much like someones turned the saturation button up on the colours of the front cover). Although recently I picked up Eat Pray Love in an Airport shop and I just had to buy it , despite putting it back several times on the shelf , (as I had taken 3 new books already & by the way I still haven't started) . I'm halfway and so far I'm really enjoying it. Its one of those books I look forward to going to bed for so I can get down into it. Until this book, that resonance hasn't happened for some time. One theory from my teacher is that Ive done enough input work , now I need to output, do the practicals.

I tend to have a few of them ,(well quite a few stacked by my bed on the floor and often when tidying I just sit and thumb through them). The main one in my recent past that has done that bam thing for me was Home with God and it blew my mind.

I remember going on the underground the day I finished it and had the most amazing experience. Yer I know , like how can travelling on the underground in London be amazing when you've been doing it for over 20 years. It was like I suddenly saw and felt what is was all about. I had this overwhelming feeling and its so hard to put it into words here, but I will try;

I suddenly felt that oneness with everything and saw through the illusions. Sitting there on the platform in the subdued light, I felt a connectedness and a wonder and I couldn't stop staring at everyone around me. It felt so surreal , and yet amazing all at the same time. I felt small and yet I felt joined. For that brief few minutes I expanded my consciousness beyond the layers of the tunnels, tarmac, road and tubing. It uplifted me out of myself and I felt joy without any need, energy without outside stimulus and a calm that came unfettered. I cant remember beyond this, but I think I was able to tap it briefly for a few weeks after. It was if I was allowed a brief window into our existence but the window wasn't opened for long for its energy was so powerful to comprehend.

Apart from climbing to the top of Angels Landing in Zion Canyon many years ago and riding a horse alone in Monument valley for an afternoon , Id say that this was very oddly one of the most amazing mystical moments of my life! Thats right , down on the dark , smelly, crazy busy London Underground!

So if you have one spiritual book that you felt really changed your thoughts and feelings on life , or made you fizz with recognition and gave you inspiration, new intentions or new ways to be , what was that?

Enough about me for now (well at least this post!!)

Pontoon Bridge image almost as seen in attunment

Etchu Province, Toyama, Pontoon

Care of Castle fine arts

I need to hear from you , my readers out there. Ive noticed that many readers come here after google searching for Reiki cleansing. So Id like to hear how your cleansing experiences have gone; are you finding even way past the 21 days , months even , that you are becoming more self aware? That every living experience is noticed much more in fine detail? Is your life lighter or has it made you feel you've sunk a bit into sludge, created by years of burying pain? Are you questioning your way of life more ? Do relationships suddenly seem more in the spotlight? Are you self healing every day? Do you do every hand position or just one on the centre of the body? Or even has it had no effects at ll? Id really like to know.

Also did you write a cleansing diary and if so have you looked back at it , whats changed, if anything? Has your life since Reiki taken you down a new path? See now Im thinking ahhhhhhh , I must go and look at mine.

Ive been talking a lot about myself , my self development and the things I do to pull myself from darky avenue. What I want to know is how others keep themselves balanced and light. The Reiki way of life can completely change your aspect on things , so kind of like best practise at work , whats been working for you?

Oh and even if you haven't done Reiki , but some other life development work, and some of the questions above relate , then Id like to hear about that too.

Its always good to share others experiences , and the things that you benefit from. I'm sure we can all learn something new from others and a different approach is always great even if its something simple. I remember talking with circle friends about self healing, sometimes at bed time , I'm really not in the mood for doing every hand movement and this meant that I actually didn't do it on several nights. One of the others girls suggested just working on the solar plexus chakra, so now, (when I remember), I just lay my hand there, do what I need (being the sacred symbols that I try not to disclose if I can help it) and let it do its thing.

Namaste x

Massage my dosha more, baby!

Image courtesy of The Telegraph , Sequoia spa foot ritual

I was extremely lucky to have been sent to a Spa last week , an indulgence only taken on once a year, but he the mans booked it as a surprise, he, even if I don't, will often see when I need to do these things. It was at The Sequoia spa at The Grove that I had a very much needed escape for the day . Although I didn't easily relent to the relaxing decadent time offered completely! Trust me , I need to be whacked over the head with a mallet to shut off and give in! Its one of the reasons why I think I end up so frazzled and out of balance as I don't think I look after myself like this enough. Instead of relaxing I spent the whole day thoroughly intrigued by my therapists career journey and training! I was fascinated and found it really inspiring and couldn't stop asking her question after question!

I'm in no way sponsored by Espa and this is going to sound like a paid sales pitch , but my most favourite products are the Espa ones , being all natural and smelling amazing. This Spa is one of their main flagships, so all of the latest products and spa treatments are on offer. Ive been once before when they first opened for a day spa and never forgot how I was treated and looked after; it really was very special and nurturing experience and I was looking forward to that succumbing again.

The main bases for the Espa therapies is combining holistic, Ayurvedic and eastern philosophies with modern treatments. Within 5 minutes of consultation, (during the "foot ritual" seen in the image above) , my therapist had correctly worked out my Dosha or personal constitution type out of 3 :

Vata = Air & Ether - controlling movement

Pitta= Water & Fire - controlling metabolism

Kapha = Earth & Fire - controlling structure

With mine currently being Vata , she tailored the whole days treatments based on what would balance a Vata type : I was warmed , soothed and comforted with all sorts of oils, body wraps, lotions and potions, all chosen specifically to my sensory and sensual needs and likes . It was hard in parts to hold back the tears of emotions rising up , but I wanted to save those for after and just enjoy!

After a lovely peaceful lunch and a lay down in the womb like relaxation rooms (all aubergine velvet, moving beds, blankets and personal spa music, oh and the most lovely warm tea tonic !) , my face was stroked , my arms were rubbed and my hands wiggled until I just had to give in. So when the words "Mrs Mi your treatment is now over" at 4pm were quietly and calmly stated , I sighed a sigh inside wishing it could go on and on, as it had taken all day to get to this stage!!!

The effect by the end of the day was one blissed out Hana Mi , its a me that I need to remember when in the throes of any negative risings as it seemed to seep into every atom of my being. Ive bought some of the products from the day , not all , otherwise Id have needed to remortgaged, but I will be using them to help remind me of the feeling of relaxation as the smells will do much of the evoking work for me. I may have done much much more when my girls were spirits in the sky, but now its even more essential!

I remember several years ago The Body Shop did a whole series on Ayurvedic Doshas and specific products designed in line with Wild Earth . They were the first to offer these types of products commercially. I remember buying them in the sales when they were going to discontinue the range (and being very upset they were going as the body spray tonics were lovely) , the smells and textures designed for Vata were spot on for my tastes and they were really special products. They seemed so correct that back then I had very good evidence in the belief of Ayurvedic treatments. One I think I will be pursuing to add to my toolbox so to speak and use in my private practise on clients/patients in the future. Its quite exciting to re visit something again that I hadn't looked at for a long time and really take it on board, understand it properly and hopefully do some therapy courses for it to use it effectively.

Ive been unclear as to which way to take my practise of holistic therapies , having trained only in Reiki for now and going through the intense healing patch I'm experiencing ,I'm realising I need to take things very slowly. Its something I have to work hard to do as I like to take something and run with it immediately, bombarding myself , my life and my brain and never feeling quite proficient (sort of jack of all trades and master of none!).

My hospice position for a Reiki practitioner has now come through which is very important for me in my life changing course and I will start that in mid January 09 for a few hours every week. For the next few months I will let this be the simple road I travel, it will be a great learning experiencing for me and allow me to build confidence in what I'm doing. Eventually when ready to make additions to my treatments, I will start to learn other holistic therapies more intensely.

Simplicity is key and I need to take that on board if I'm to stay balanced for now. I will have to stop myself taking on more and more information , as it can be very exciting, but something in my life is telling me that this is not the best way to go right now. I need sameness , consistency and grounding right now.

Oh and meanwhile take a look at these online Dosha quiz's; One from Deepak Chopra's web site and another from "Whats your Dosha, baby" author Lissa Coffey’s . See I cant help myself! but then I see it as a benefit right now to know a little about who and what I am myself and what I can do for well being as these web sites have some great tips on self treatments.

I have too much Vata in the body and too much Pita in the mind!

and on that note , I also need to come away from the laptop and shut down my head for a while before bed time. Since the Spa day all Ive wanted to do is lay down and snuggle in a blanket!

Ive got to start listening to this body more hey!

ni ni all

Namaste

x

Cleansing wheels

Today for the 1st time in weeks I awoke feeling more uplifted , like my energy had shifted and some of the debris & detritus had been removed over the last few days. I don't know if its acceptance from others around me of the real me or the fact that the real me and the social facade me have come together and I can start being a more authentic person rather than the fractured splintered version.

I spent this weekend taking time to be just at home being quiet and tidying and not really doing much. I spend most days , full on , rushing here and there and I think Im finally having to say to things and people and expectations ENOUGH!

I also have just let out any of the emotional pains and negative thoughts that have been held tight inside the little protective boxes we all like to shelve deep within us. It wasn't all pretty and I ended up blubbing a lot the last 3 days like a 5yr old!! Whilst having a blub feels messy and painful , it felt good to have let it leave my space and the tight containment Ive put on it all. He the mans has actually surprised me and been extremely supportive ; listening , helping at home and with my cupcake and pickle. Hes even booked me for a full spa day of calming and soothing rituals. Its a real treat as the last one I did was over 5 years ago!! I need to make full use of whats on offer and hopefully relax and really give into it and allow it.

I still have to battle the demons that I touched upon in my previous post and yesterday marked the the new path of that work in my healing with my therapy assessment. I think many more little boxes (and not so little , but well wrapped and hidden boxes) , will need opening and clearing through. A bit like when you do the cupboards out , (you know the ones were you horde everything and anything and it all falls out when you open the door). It all gets into a bit of a mess before it can be re organised , but then after all that hard work of sifting through and a "do I need this anymore?" , It starts to then look all wonderfully tidy and neat again, this time with much less clutter around!

Mondays class was all about feeling Universal energy as powerfully as possibly , this meant working on deep hatha style breathing and imagining the light coming into our bodies very slowly (making it stop at each chakra, breathing deeply several times and drawing it in to that point to really feel its presence) , from our feet up to our crowns. We then went on further to clear our body minds and spirits with cleansing wheels. It may sound all tree huggy and hippy , but experiencing the effects of the wheel through you can be really powerful :

Visualise a huge cart wheel , see it glowing like a huge white vibrating light around you. See all its spokes going right through your whole body , see it starting at your base chakra. Imagine it spinning around you as fast as you can and as it spins , see it removing the pains and difficult emotions of the day. See them flying out beyond the spokes and disappearing into vapour. Gradually see it go up through each chakra and repeat the process. Notice how it feels at certain parts , does it move freely , does it stop and feel stuck ? Do you feel any physical feelings during this exercise? I did , I felt sick sick sick, but its all good , it means its doing its work and the effects don't last too long after. It may continue to do its work for a few days after and it may bring up some emotions , but allow them to rise , release and flow away. You can go up or down again to the same chakra if you feel it needs concentration. Its something you can do ever week , whilst watching TV , sitting in the car at the red lights or in a ritualised start to a deep meditation.

The purpose of all this?

Its so I can be of better service to myself , my family and those I endeavour to support via Reiki and mediumship. Our teacher that night likened our bodies to a water pipe , and when blocked our energy cannot flow free, our work will be harder as will the flow of water. So the more we cleanse , clear out and remove whats not needed the better channels we can be as messengers, aiding others through their own healing from whatever that may be.

Namaste

x

Precipice

I think when I 1st set this blog out, I was full of summer sun hope. Now the days are dark and short , I seem to be wallowing in a pity party or just possibly have the condition SAD going on?What comes with this pity party is a feeling that somehow I'm a fake - How can I be spiritual and talk of inner peace and calm and yet inside I'm feeling inner turmoil? How can I look after others and care for them if I don't get my own house in order? The thing Is I do want to get it in order ,dig up the foundations and re do them, but I cant see who too turn too to help me with it.

The other thought is ,how much do I disclose here before this space goes from "being in the light" to gradually standing in the dark looking into a big black gaping hole? It then self perpetuates , what you focus on is what grows doesn't it?

So how to share the whats going down here, but not the how I got here?

Whats going down? That's been a question of mine for many years , its the reason I took the road less travelled, finding a way to ride the storms I find with emotions and mind tricks. The problem is I'm having guilt in being human and not always feeling so spiritual. Guilt associated with having feelings that are less than peaceful and doing things that are basically not good for my soul, mind or my body.

I wrote the above about 7 days ago and its been a very strange time of roller coaster feelings and behaviour some days I'm surrounded by others but feel I'm in some glass box , were no one can see me or they do, but cant penetrate the surface to me inside.

In that time I have sought some help and hopefully will find some relief in that, although it may take some weeks to come about. I finally owned up to the things Ive been doing to sabotage myself to my parents and they have been checking on me every day since, I cant say more than that right now and I know I'm talking in code and being vague , but I'm holding several of my cards to chest here until I see fit to disclose more when I'm in a place to .

Ive been more open with some of the people around me, well within boundaries that is . Ive learnt some hard lessons the last few weeks ; firstly I'm learning for once In my life I don't have to tell all and sundry what I'm about and why, although unfortunately it can just come off as a vibe and secondly be careful who you share with for not everyone has the capacity for more than a surface kind of interaction and not everyone will safeguard your heart and being , not everyone wants to , and why should they.

May be this is a lesson in self forgiving , in being able to have low ebbs and know I'm still a great human being , still have something to give and still caring about others. I know some in this world will see me as flaky or a bit subdued right now, (I tell you the playground school run is trench warfare), but I know I will come through this again as I have done in the past, Ive been down further than this and come back again. I know what I'm about and if others don't see my heart and soul for what it is , then I cant do anything about that.

Despite this , some people around me have stepped up and stepped closer (whilst many have stepped away) and may be they are the main ones to concentrate on for now ,for aqquantances are fun , but when the chips are down ...................................yada yada. My work at my now closed development circle goes from strength to strength , although the good work I do , I feel, is more to do with the universal presence's/beings/spirits that help me rather than my doing.

Could all of this be a part of my re boot !??

I just want to say a thank you to the universal sources that are still with me and continue to want to work with me. I'm privileged to be able to do this work. Its what holds me in so many ways, it is as the cliche says , a lightness in the the dark . (I feel I'm making an acceptance speech, shine those oscars, theres one with my name on it!!).

Isnt it amazing how cathartic writing is.

Namaste

x

Stuck

Will find inspiration and come back to this space!

Above is the sentence I put on here about 2 weeks ago, saved it to my edit posts menu with a blank page and have only come back to it today!!!


Before that I had a whole two paragraphs written in this space and found that I just couldn't post them and wiped them off as the content was all about some personal things happening socially. I don't know what that says about my integrity , but hey I'm being honest right now in the fact that Ive been drawing a blank since mid October in what to write here.


Despite this "writers block", or rather "what do I share with readers block", Ive had lots of varied life experience things going on : Much of those "personal things" had to do with friendships, trust and uneasy human interactions, some with my closed development circle and all the amazing phenomena we've been experiencing there, (which I'll share at another time when my words flow more freely) and some to do with my little girls and their growth. I know it all seems a bit vague but I'm needing some more time to digest the last few weeks and find a way of moving forward and learning from things whilst staying positive and not hurting myself in the process. I work every day balancing how I'm treated and how to treat others and its not always easy.


A good friend across the pond suggested I shut this down and start a fresh somewhere else , which might be a good idea considering all things. The only thing is I invested a lot of time and thought into this space and its design and I don't feel ready to move on from it. Its just something to consider as I don't think I can be as open as I would like here.

I also think this blog needs to have more of a USP to keep it fresh and vibrant. It would be good to get some ideas on how to progress this space and make it feel purposeful or just even a bit more spontaneous and freer. I need to do a bit of work chewing on some new material and revisiting the many notebooks and lists I keep, for this feels like the equivalent of tires going round and round in mud and I don't like it!!!!

I'm hoping that things will just sort of happen to get this moving again and normally it just does. I almost need to do the Internet version of a sage cleansing, ( now that might make for some good material?)!! Its possible that spirit have stepped back again as I'm known to try and juggle every plate going and then add some more, but lately its been much harder to keep it all going.

If anyone's got any ideas, that would be a great!!!

If you stay here whilst I sort of re boot a bit, that would be fab. I'm hoping its just another of my glitches in the programming !!!

Namaste to all those who visit here

Hana Mi

Guided by spirit?

I really feel sometimes I have to get my life on track and give it direction and purpose. That's on some days , on others I like it just flowing were it needs to go and roll the waves. Not having to be anywhere except school and nursery runs and just being mum sometimes suits my stress level limits and yes I also get enjoyment just from that, just being mum ! I say just being mum , thats a whole layered life that not all people think happen, a great book I found that validated my very little life was this : What mothers do , Especially When It Looks Like Nothing!

Every now again significant markers show up on my path and say to me , hang on, there's something you need to do, something inside that's moving me somewhere else.

A few months back I contacted a Hospice local to school. Id been in touch with the manager several times about being a Reiki Volunteer and she seemed very keen , saying that they didnt have someone currently and that not many people come forward. She made me aware that she was leaving and new person was to take over. My details were to be passed on. Weeks passed and I contacted them again. This time new manager answered , he know nothing of me , not a good sign. Suddenly he has a therapy room manager and no room for anyone else to do Reiki. I don't know if this is ego (mine and hers) or just a feeling or a signal that this wasn't the right direction , but the therapy manager irked me somewhat. Her main state of play was that SHE did the reiki and didn't need anyone else, but I could just come in and help out with various other activities . This , as altruistic as it may be , just didn't connect, Ive trained for Reiki , I want to give Reiki , I have a route to pass on healing, I just have to do it. I felt a huge block and a feeling of discomfort around my interaction with this person. An application came in from her in my inbox, I started to fill it out and then just had to stop. I couldn't do it. So it was shelved so to speak.

Were was I to go, my time is limited , I have only mornings to do anything and cant go to far from nursery , otherwise I eat into my useful time travelling. Everything went on pause.

I continued to go to circle and do my development.

I was aware of a hospice down the road from my house , but for some reason I had vaguely dismissed it, (10 minutes drive back from nursery) but it was always in the back of my mind.

Suddenly a new person turned up at circle and lo and behold she works as a volunteer at the very Hospice down the road from me and also they had just lost a volunteer therapist.

See Im new on this path of inner belief , so its taken me some weeks to gather myself up into a more confident ball and throw it at the newness of this all. I took myself down there a couple of weeks back and introduced myself after this lovely new person at circle had put a word in for me.

My ideal was to do this work on Monday as a good start to the week, and also I could only work up till 11:30. So what sessions did they have available for patients? Yes , the very day and time I had been thinking was ideal! There and then she handed me the paperwork and hoped to see me again.

Im still in the space of : can I do this and will I be able to make a difference???? Its a whole new world for me. I will be dealing with patients who are terminal , my intensely emotional self , doesn't yet know how this will feel. Or what will be brought up. Its quite a big turn for me , having been treated for serious Post traumatic stress disorder related to medical experiences only 2-3 years ago. Why in my life do I always turn to look at the face of my demons? My original career went against the shy quiet type I may have been labelled as, and this , wellllll who would have known that the once me that would have a panic attack sitting in a hospital is now planning to sit at the head of a patient and look after them?

So Im now up to the stage of getting this horse out of the stable and giving something of myself back to others. I have yet to fill in forms , (thats a whole other new challenge, merging the old business me and the new me in an up to date CV) and get all sorts of insurance and police checks , but I hope by the end of the year things will have moved forward somewhat. I have yet to find my old CV on some external hardrive, its very London office (or Recruitmet agency)styleeee and not been updated for some time. I have to get this all done tout suite and feel Im harnessing the opportunity as soon as I can. Its a must, but my old ego head is slowing it down.

Is it a plan or an intention and if I dont seize it now, what will I miss? Will an intention work better than a goal or a dream. I hope so, it feels as if its all waiting for me , these things happening , as if jigswa peices have been slotted in , are not just happen chance. Will I be given a hand to organise it all and make it fit into place all the more easily, are they listening up there?!!!!!!

Think I have to get my cosmic order book out again ?!

Image care of Nicholas Arwin of Enhanced perceptions, amazing "visonary Art" site.

Becoming

Image care of Amazon.co.uk

Monique at escape hatch asked me a very good question last night and that was :

How did I become aware of my abilities.


I think its in many people , we just don't switch the button so to speak , well psychic abilities that is. Not every psychic can be a medium Ive been told, but every medium is psychic. Intuition being the 1st rung on that ladder and then simple little things like knowing exactly who's on the phone , even when its someone unexpected or hasn't phoned for a long time. I used to freak my sister out with this one!


I had always read books on this side of life starting in my teens , the 1st very influential book was an old copy of a Shirley McClain's called Out on a Limb . I just couldn't put it down, totally hooked I was on its contents. After that I went to great lengths to find all of her books in the series and the out of print books too, (remember Amazon, or for that matter the Internet, wasn't around then in the late 80's), so it was all the old book shops on Charing cross road , were I went to college at the time. After that I just started syphoning books of this type like crazy. You could say Ms Mclain was my main initial inspiration.





I found James Redfield Celestine Prophecy to be the next eye opener for me and strangely enough at the time , whenever on the underground or at work, virtually the whole carriage or canteen was reading it too. I think this may have been around 1994. My father had always been very sensitive to these things also , so I may have been influenced in that way too , to see other things besides our every day human existence. I have so many books on this subject I could start my own library , which all sounds great , but really is a symbol of my over indulgence in this area, but that's me all over , when I get a new thing, its obsessive to start with. Lately though I haven't found the same need for it all and the thought of reading so intensely now feels totally off key and a case of too much input. I'm living, seeing and feeling it more now rather than needing to know what its all about if you get my drift.




It sounds cliche , but as a child I started getting visions and dreams and odd things happening to me. I feel also I may have been guided somewhat by the other side so to speak , as in early 2000 I had a reading done in Sedona Arizona by a famous medium called Ray of Sedona , who suggested I would become a teacher/healer of sorts, but not in the normal sense. He said many things that came about and he said it would be in the next 5-6 years and yes those 5-6 years are right at this point in time. That trip was extremely synchronistic , as I had just started my own furniture design firm and my 1st big contract was sent to me the day before we left to go to Arizona. It was to design a dining and lounge range based on the early American Prairie and Arts and Crafts movement and weirdly the area we were staying in was the homestead of the Architect and designer Frank Lloyd wright and his Famed house Taliesin West. Without any prior information from me Ray of Sedona in my reading had mentioned clients, portfolios and art, working with wood and design!!!



One of the biggest catalysts was the challenging experience I had giving birth in 2003 and the aftermath. 3 months after cupcake was born I was diagnosed with post natal depression/PND , but it wasn't until I was pregnant with pickle more than 2yrs later that they realised I didn't have typical classic post natal depressive behaviour and later re diagnosed me with post traumatic stress disorder/PTSD, (due to incidences in the labour then birth, leading to hemorrhaging and then transfusion 24hrs later as my haemoglobin was dangerously low and I was critical). This is were I started getting the right help, although emotionally painful it was very transformative.



I don't really talk about it that much any more but it led me to find another way to think about how to live in this world and find some sense of coming together in my mind, body and spirit. At the 1st diagnoses of PND I put myself through about 8 months of hypnotherapy. In many ways I feel it opened up a portal , so to speak , to another world beyond this. The PND unfortunately brought on severe panic attacks and increased Agoraphobia and I just would not accept it becoming a permanent affliction . I feel in me the PTSD took low level every day anxieties and amplified them a thousand fold, although luckily I don't get the attacks any more , thanks to the hypnotherapy but you don't ever forget what they were like. An experience like that is so profound that there is no way you can be the same ever again , there was much talk about litigation at the neglectful treatment I was given in hospital , but to me it was more important to heal and gain strength , rather than put myself and the family through more distress. In a weird way looking back now I'm almost thankful for it. In strange way it has taught me a great deal about compassion , acceptance , judgment and inner power.

Luckily I sailed through my next birth in 2006, (sort of!), but this was aided by the use of Hypnobirthing , a form of self hypnosis and sequential breathing styles for each stage , as some of the trauma from the 1st birth had left its mark obviously and I had to find a way to deal with the impending ,(& terrifying to me), birth that I had no way of getting out of!! Despite having to clean up some of the debris of fears and anxieties about birthing , hospitals and anything medical , doing the hypnobirthing was a further level up the ladder in terms of being able to meditate and find quiet inner time , which was were the sense other things besides the here and the now became stronger . Three weeks before birth you listen to a specially designed hypnosis cd for preparation and its very much akin to guided meditation, so you could say I took a crash course! Through this work and the pre natal learning sessions I was able to see everything in such a different way , as a part of me had been unlocked and that part was were I found glimpses of my inner power and confidence within. For me the whole pre and post natal time was a very liberating and uplifting experience and it made me want to work with healing and helping others even more.

I have been asked to write about this part of my journey into motherhood before in order to help others , but have never been able to communicate it on paper. Ive only roughly skimmed the surface here of what happened , but this is the 1st time Ive been able to get it written in any way shape or form and be able to remain detached from it . I dont want to dredge too much of it up , but also I think my hesitation here is partly I feel there is more work to do on this area and also theres some fear to deal with regarding others responses to it.

In early 2007 I noticed the rate of coincidences coupled with strange electrical things happening at home increasing phenomenally and of course that piqued my interest even more. He the mans and I would be conversing on a random subject and keep seeing tv programmes or adverts totaly related show up right there and then. Every electrical gadget was either breaking or would just stop and start or even turn on unaided randomly. At one point every watch I wore just stopped and still every phone I get the battery dies within a few short months. Someone was trying to get a message to me any which way they could, as its when I joined my circle and my late Papa was coming through every week to different mediums. Its suggested that spirit do these things to get you to notice them and help steer you onto the right path. This is when I started getting all those hearts I have shown here on occasions . Well it certainly got my notice ,as he the mans even commented on all the weirdness and it made me think that may be I ought to start using my abilities more and shape my life in such a way that I can help and heal others.

Anyway essay over for now ! I didnt plan to answer a question via a post of epic proportions , but it must have needed to come out! Writing it here and now couldn't be more timely , as only a few days ago I ended my Reiki 2 21 day cleanse and this has given me a chance to take a look back at my experiences so far and see how far Ive come and how much Ive learnt and grown.

Remember a while back I needed some courage to explain myself , well this was what I needed it for . I thank you Monique for paving a little way on my journey so far.